Recently In the writing group I go to, we were asked to write about our fears and not the more obvious fears like heights, spiders etc. While initially my first thoughts were fears for my kids future, what the world is gonna be like for them in years to come and general fears of anything happening to my nearest and dearest. Fears they most definitely are but what is my fear? What has me on edge? What makes my stomach drop and fill with sickness? What is my biggest fear? Well it seems I have a fear I was slightly unaware of. I will put below the exact words I wrote that night, the night I finally admitted my fear.
I have many fears lots of different fears in fact!
Fears that come and go at different stages of life.
A fear that's never to far away
is the fear of not knowing how my mind will be
from one hour to the next.
Like a big bright colourful balloon
floating peacefully in the sunshine one minute.
To the next defeated flat lifeless on a string.
Recurrent depressive disorder it's called
and for now that's my fear.
So that's what I wrote that night over two weeks ago, I've honestly thought about it so much as i never realised how much that fear had its hold of me. Each night I'd go to bed and wonder what mood or form I'll be in tomorrow(I'm sure my poor husband does too). Each morning I wonder what will the day bring. It's constant, It's loud and It's unavoidable but it's who I am. The reference to the balloon is so significant because that's how it feels. I don't know what the next ten minutes will hold. Can I cope with what is about to happen? I can't predict my mood, I don't know how I will react to situations and that scares me. It's not the fear of the unknown that I have. It is more the fear of will I cope, can I handle the day ahead and will I make it through or end up in rock bottom again? No two days are the same and if life was like that, what I can handle and manage today does not mean I can do the same tomorrow.
I don't think its possible to get over my fear and I'm ok with that. It would be nice to but lets be realistic I think it is just who I am. So as Susan Jeffers advises, Feel the fear and do it anyway!
Until next time,
Stay Safe, Stay Healthy & Look After Your Sunshine.