Fitness: one step at a time

Hello again, I hope your well. 

Now if any of you have researched natural ways to beat depression online the main thing you will see again and again is diet and exercise. It worked for me in the past but I hate diets I mean really really hate them. Yes I no clean eating is the best to make you feel better and drop extra weight if needed. But seriously veg or fruit has never made me smile the way a bar of chocolate does. Well that's kind of a lie strawberries or pineapple covered in chocolate straight from the fridge is pretty amazing though I don't think it counts. As for exercise well as soon as I loose the amount I want to I stop and then it's back to square one again. So I'm jumping on the bandwagon again after seeing numbers on the scales I've personally never seen before. 

Now some days my diet is great and other days it's shocking. Like this morning I had good intentions to be healthy started of with my green tea and that was it finished! I had a purple snack bar to go with it but I felt a bit guilty so me and Kaelyn got ready and headed for a walk. It was either that or wash the windows and ain't nobody got time for that. Now I'm very lucky where I live has a great walking route just one downside it had a very steep hill known as the spink in the middle of it. So feeling confident after my 5k with the girls from Mia's funfitness last night I decided to hit the hill straight on. Well I woulda needed 'Maria the motivator' there with me because Kaelyn she fell asleep straight away so was zero help. I pray no farmer was in the fields surrounding the spink this morning because u may of thought a brawl was going on but nope, all the "Feck yous" or "I'm gonna beat you ya wee b*#@h" and my favourite hit the spink get rid of spanks were all for that hill. 

As soon as I made it to the top, the view is amazing and is totally worth it. It just personally made me realise that at the end of that struggle I got a stunning view. So hopefully after every struggle the result is just as good. I coulda went the opposite way and started with the beautiful view and ended in the doom and gloom of trees but I preferred it my way. 

So I'm very early on in my wee fitness journey and really writing it on here I'm hoping it means if I quit (again) I'll be totally embarrassed because I've let everyone know. This all started 2 nights ago when I mentioned in a Mia's fun fitness post how I would love to do the Darkness into light run NEXT YEAR. To give me plenty of time to build up my fitness level. But well that didn't happen we are now planning to do it in under 3 weeks. Madness absolute madness but I think and hope I will manage it. So last night I got back on the horse along with the girls and they are all great motivators. I managed a 5k with Maria by my side. I did have to walk every now and then but still finished it without my legs snapping like I tried to tell her they were gonna. It's such a laugh and I encourage anyone who is looking to start running to check out Maria's running group it's called fun fitness for a reason because the laughs are plentiful. 

My diet well I hope to get it sorted in time but for now I'm just not willing to give up my chocolate. Honestly Ireland needs the money I spend on it each week. Oh I know I'm only fooling myself, bla de bla.. But let's take this one step at a time and hope the view at the end is good. 

Stay safe, stay healthy and look after your sunshine.

xO Leonie 

Something short & sweet x

Hello everyone, I hope you are all well. Today's post is very short and sweet but basically something you should all know and tell yourself daily. It may even help to read it when your feeling low. Hopefully it helps. 

Stay safe, stay healthy and look after your sunshine! 

xO Leonie

 I would just like you to know that you are

Important

Not alone

Worthy of love

Strong

Capable

Appreciated more than you know

Going to get better

And more than ENOUGH

please don't ever forget! 

Round Two!! No judges allowed!

Hello everyone, I hope your well.

I'm so sorry for the huge delay in this post but Kaelyn hasn't been well so I've had no time to get it sorted, please forgive me. 😊 So I decided last week to split my experience into two posts because I feel the two times I've been diagnosed have been so different. The second time was so severe, all my bad thoughts and low moods from after having Miley multiplied by thousands. I feel I have to say not once during this time did I ever loose the love and bond I have with my children. I know a lot of people who have never experienced depression find this hard to understand, but it's true. I didn't choose to have depression but I've a choice to let it win or not. Each days a struggle with good and bad days so please don't judge me on my bad days. 

So here we go, My pregnancy with Kaelyn was fairly normal with no major issues. I really struggled with the tiredness that comes with being pregnant. With Miley being a busy baby it was hard to catch up on sleep, unlike my pregnancy with her I got to sleep loads. At the time I put all the emotions down to hormones but looking back I can see that it was much more. John was working away and was only home every 2-3 weeks and I struggled a lot. I found this all very stressful. Oh yeah we set a wedding date for six months after the due date, which probably didn't help matters. 

Kaelyn was born on the 14th of June she was healthy and just perfect. Everything was going good I even thought the old 5 day baby blues missed me but how wrong was I. They arrived and they stayed but I refused to tell anyone that I was struggling. Even tho it was so soon after the birth I knew I had PND. Inside my head was just black. On the outside I had a perfect life with a new baby. But on the inside all I could think about was that, my wee family would manage better without me. I made myself think that I was a minor figure in my own kids life. Somehow I hid it from everyone close to me, putting my mood down to tiredness. 

Well that was until I snapped, and oh boy did I. It was about three weeks after Kaelyn was born. I was exhausted from letting everything build up inside me. We were at a family wedding and i remember sitting in the chapel, not taking anything in at all and just holding in the tears because I knew I was ready to break. After the mass I isolated myself into a room alone with the girls. Miley was throwing tantrums over so many strangers about and Kaelyn, well she went and pooped all over her white dress. After a bit Miley's daddy came to collect her and we had dropped Kaelyn of with my sister. It was just John and I in the car and the tears started and wouldn't stop. I told him every single feeling and thought I was having. By the time we reached the hotel the only worry I had was that my makeup was a mess. John reassured me all would be fine and we would get the help needed. The rest of the day was fantastic, I was able to enjoy myself because I knew i wasn't battling alone anymore.

I went to my doctor, a different one from before and told her everything. The difference this time, I wasn't just given a prescription for medication and left to it. I got reassured that if I wanted the help it's there for me. I had a nurse visit me several times at home for wee chats, fortnightly appointments with my doctor until we got the medication perfect to suit me and had meetings with a counsellor. Having the right doctor is so important. Recently I was invited to join a personal development course for seven weeks. When I first got it I was like nope no way, but I went and I love it. I've met some fantastic people and actually look forward to it every week. 

It is so important to make sure people your close to especially your doctor know exactly how you feel. If you hide it or don't be honest on your progress, the only person your damaging is yourself. 
I learnt this the hard way, it's not worth it. So please be honest and don't stop until you get the perfect help and treatment because you deserve it. I know I've a long way to go but I believe I will get there and so will you. x 

Stay safe, stay healthy and look after your sunshine!

xO Leonie 

Round 1 - Ding! Ding!

Hello, I hope your well. ☺️ isn't the sunshine just amazing this past few days.

This week I'd thought I would give you all a better insight into my own personal experience with depression. This may be tricky to write as I still question, why me? When did this start? When will it go away?  But I will try my best, I'll start with my first trip to the doctors my oldest daughter Miley was about 4/5 months old and I was diagnosed with post-natal depression. Although I'm now able to look back as far as my teenage years and see that certain times, life just didn't seem right. I would hate to be a teenager again, it's such a difficult and confusing time and I absolutely dread when my girls are at that stage. Thankfully I've ages to prepare myself and them for that.

I still remember the day I put Miley into her pram and walked to the doctors. Even sitting in the waiting room I just thought the doctor would laugh at me and say the way I was feeling was exactly how any first time, single mum feels. So when I explained a few of my symptoms:

• Tearful 

•  Sleep problems - tired all the time 

•  Losing interest in people and activities  

• Feeling guilty - feeling worthless 

•  Lack of concentration and memory problems 

•  Lack of confidence 

•  Being hard on myself- constantly criticising myself 

•  Major anxiety 

•  Overthinking every single thought 

There is many more symptoms but these were a few I was struggling with, when the doctor confirmed that I wasn't okay and that I was suffering from PND I actually felt relieved because I knew I was able to get the help I needed. That day I was put on medication, which I was unbelievably embarrassed about. All I could think was how bad of a mother I must be to need a silly little tablet to get through each day. I had this amazing baby who changed my life for the better yet the second she fell asleep or was away with her dad for the day, I was a mess. (I've only one rule try to have no breakdowns in front of the kids) I hated being on the medication even though it helped me, I tried to do everything else the doctor recommended such as: healthy eating, exercise, socialising with friends and doing things I loved. I also moved to a home much closer to my family, personally I feel all of the above helped me a lot more than the medication at that time. I wasn't taken the medication properly at all I would take it for a while then stop it again. Eventually I felt well enough to stop it completely I had a fantastic daughter, all was going great with my new boyfriend (hubby now) and I had a wee job I loved going to. 

I have to say no two experiences with depression are the same, I always say that I got depression twice but whether it ever went away a few years ago or not I don't know. Personally if I had to pick, I would take the time I had it after Miley again and again. But I do recommend staying on your medication until your doctor says it's okay to come off it. The time I'm referring to in this article was not as severe as what a lot of people are currently going through. A few life changes helped me years ago, so I definitely recommend trying it to you all. But please don't feel like a failure if it doesn't work out because something else will. It hasn't worked for me this time but I'll get there in time and so will you. 

I've decided to split my experiences into two different articles because they are so different and also not the easiest to write. I will hopefully have my Kaelyn story up in the next few days. I'm still loving all your messages of your own stories it's amazing we all feel so alone in this but I can assure you, we are not. 


Stay safe, stay healthy and look after your sunshine!

xO Leonie

Beep! Beep! Destination Freedom!

Hello ☺️

I hope you're well? Now I know I've wrote it on my Facebook page but I gotta say it again, Thank you so much!! All of the kindness I have received this past week has been unbelievable. I love each and every message I have been sent. There is so many of you struggling, we can't let depression win, keep fighting it will get better. 

It was so not easy to post the last entry, thinking back on it is funny tho. I was texting my bestie Shauna in Australia, sent her on the link and she said yip I should post it (I think it's so she ain't gotta listen to me on her own now) so I did! Oh boy the feelings, I was shaking like a leaf and my belly was full of butterflies. I had to do the hoovering to calm myself down all the while thinking, what on earth have I just done? It didn't take me long to see that I did the right thing, a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I think after many attempts I may be on the right road. So, hurry and hop on I've hired a bus. Destination - Freedom, no depression allowed!!

One thing so many people have asked me since last week, is have I received much negativity towards the blog and thankfully I haven't yet! I know we all have our own opinions and we are never all going to agree but I hope I'm ready for it when it happens. Like I'm sure some of you have seen the Katie Hopkins tweets (rolls eyes) we're gonna come across negative nellies on our way but I'm not trying to please everyone. I'm just trying to make people aware that it's ok not to be ok. 

Now while the past week has been great, I've still had a plenty of low moments. It's really all the little things, it's so strange. You could tackle a situation the size of a mountain at ease then something as small as a speed bump comes along and BANG! Your like an emotional wreck wondering what the hell did you do to deserve the stupid curry sauce not to thicken properly. But that's just me, I can laugh about it now but at the time a toddler temper tantrum was about to be unleashed. 

One last we thing before I go and enjoy a cuppa, just because I named the blog Where Is My Sunshine by no means do I not have sunshine in my life. My girls and hubby are my whole world and make me smile each day with the silly things they do. But I want to be my own sunshine I just want to be happy for me and for them. Recently I'm learning about looking after number 1 and while that's always been the girls and John, they have to budge over cause I'm squeezing in too. 

Stay safe, stay healthy and look after your sunshine!

xO Leonie