Just A Note x

 There's an ache in my chest it feels heavy, my hearts like a drum, my body's trembling, the butterflies in my stomach feel like they are carrying weights, my heads dizzy and light, I'm numb and weak. I wish these feelings are because I'm about to do something fun like a skydive or a bungee jump, unfortunately I'm not and this is a daily occurrence for me. Its not always easy for me to explain my personal mental health issues because I don't understand it and I don't think I ever will.

Its been a long while since I've wrote on here and I'm still not to sure if I've got to much to say. I didn't even realize that its been a year since I wrote my first blog post so I thought I would try get a few words together. Unfortunately I wouldn't exactly say I've made any dramatic improvement in the last year but I still struggle on, trying not to let my depression rule my whole life and that to me is an improvement at least. 

I always say that I'm sorry for the lack of ramblings on my blog sometimes and I truly am sorry. I struggle to write when my mood is at its lowest, at times I think this makes me fail as a blogger and well maybe it does. For me personally I don't want to add extra pressure to myself by having blog post deadlines. I started my blog to raise awareness, to help myself and to help others. That was and still is my main goal. 

Thank you all so much for your support over the past year, it means the world and more to me. x

I hope to be back on chatting to you all soon. 

Stay safe, stay healthy and look after your sunshine.  

 xO Leonie

Get The Right Support!

Hello there, how are you feeling? Things are pretty much the same with me, no major changes to report. I'm not letting that get me down though, as I'm very aware that it's an ongoing battle and will not be fixed in a few days.

Today this blog post is going to be about support networks that are available to each and every person who is living with a mental health issue or anyone who is currently feeling a little lost. To be honest I know for a fact that my support network will not suit everyone, its not meant to and that's okay. Your support network is exactly that, YOURS! Find people or things that make you feel better also try to avoid negative people and things. (not always easy I know) Here's a list of mine:

FAMILY

Thankfully my family are very understanding with me, if I want to talk about how I'm feeling I know they are there. I don't really confide in my family and they tend to find out about my mental health journey through the blog. Its suits me far better this way believe it or not. I know each and every one of them are there if I ever need them. 

So clearly still family I have to mention the hubs and my girls. I confide in my husband a lot and thankfully he never judges me for the way i feel. When he doesn't have the answers I need, there is always a cuddle and a cuppa to make me feel a bit better. Now my girls, honestly they make life hectic with their crazy wee ways and I never go a day not laughing my head off at them. Each day they give me enough kisses and hugs to last a lifetime. They are my sunshine!!

FRIENDS

I for one don't mind saying that I do not have a large group of friends and honestly I wouldn't have it any other way. The close knit of friends I do have are so very precious to me and have supported me so much for the last few years. Proper real friends are not easy to find. The friends that stand by you in hard times as well as good times are the ones you need and will help you so much more. Knowing you have the support from people who are not your family and are willing to listen to your troubles is PRICELESS!! They are there for you because they want to be!!

DOCTORS

Anything you say to your doctor is in private, there is no judgement from them and they can help you so much. Even if your only feeling a little lost, talk to your doctor because they can only advise you if they know something is wrong and trust me they CAN help. I have a lot to thank my doctor for, I was put on the correct medication and referred to a mental health professional. If I remained ashamed of how I was feeling and didn't go see my doctor years ago, I can honestly say I don't think I'd be here today. There is not a thing to be ashamed about. Its okay not to be okay!!! 

MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONALS

Now these people have no easy job but it is also no easy job finding the right one for YOU. I could give you the name of mine but its no good it really is trial and error. I honestly think you need to personally connect and feel completely comfortable with your counselor etc. I literally got it third time lucky. The first two counselors I had, were no doubt about it good at their job and unfortunately the connection wasn't there. I lied to them about how I was feeling or they said something to me and I would think how F#*king dare you. This is completely wrong and you should ask to be referred to another. This is your mental health so make sure you get it right.  

STRANGERS

Now I know what your thinking, (WTF) but hear me out. 

Have you ever been walking down the street and a stranger gives you a smile, says good morning etc. Well this is what I mean and I know I'm a rare being. But there is one stranger who helped me on a day I was really low and it meant the world to me. I was in a shop and got chatting to a woman. It was about nothing in particular, the usual weather, xmas, kids etc as I was about to leave the woman told me to please take care of myself then reached over and gave me a hug!! Usually I'd be a bit freaked out with stranger hugs but that day when I looked completely worn out and like crap, that glamorous stranger made me change my mind. So always be kind and smile you don't know who you could help.

Books/Kindle

I bet my husband is rolling his eyes at this one! HA! 

This is my go-to support network. I love love love reading. If its not a magazine or a book then its some device with the kindle app downloaded to it. Reading for me helps me escape for a bit and it helps me relax. I would much rather cosy up with a book than watch tv. It keeps your mind active and is said to reduce stress. So why would you not want to read every day?

CHOCOLATE

I don't think i need to explain much more.. x

I really hope each one of you have a support network of your own as it makes a massive difference to your day to day life. Feel free to message me with any questions you have. 

Stay safe, stay healthy and look after your sunshine.

xO Leonie 

Sometimes We Stumble Backwards!

Hello everyone, I really hope you weren't holding your breath waiting on my next blog post!

I know how much of a disaster I am at keeping the blog constantly updated and as per usual I've no excuse. I've definitely been busy but at nothing in particular, mainly life, my girls, hubby, work, being lazy and far too much online shopping. 

I didn't mean to take a wee break from writing and I can honestly say its done me no good at all. Its far easier for me to cope with my mind when I'm jotting my daily thoughts and goings on down. I personally feel over the last month or so I've taken a huge leap back in my battle with depression. (see I've told nobody that but i can write it ok, strange doll I am) I don't know why I've ended up feeling this way again but I don't intend on staying like it. Thankfully I'm due to go back to see my counselor in the next few weeks, so I'm on the right track at least.

I did noticed a few signs of my mental health getting worse, but the thing with depression is that it creeps up on you over days, weeks and months. Then before you know it the negative thoughts outweigh the positive thoughts, the bad days are more often than the good days and BOOM your in a slump. I wish I could sleep through it all and we all know that's not how life works. 

Hopefully the next time I'm chatting to you all things will be more positive and upbeat. Also I really mean it the next post wont be as delayed as this one. Remember look after yourself and keep smiling! 

Stay safe, Stay healthy and look after your sunshine.

xO Leonie

Making Changes

Hello everyone, I'm sorry I've been quiet on the blog recently, I have had plenty that I want to say and write about so I've honestly no excuse. This post is mainly a wee catch up, to let you's all know what I've been up to and where I am on my mental health journey. As always Thank you for being so patient with me.

Life has definitly been busy as of late and all for a good reason. I made the decision several weeks ago to return to work after nearly two years being a full time mummy. So the plan was to get a wee part time job to get me out of a rut, as i was falling into too many bad habbits and dare i say it getting a tad lazy. So routine was my main goal and I've ended up with a jammed packed routine. Along with my blog and my most important Mammy duties, i have ended up with not one but two part-time jobs. I can honestly say Im loving being back working as I feel it gives me a far better balance. Being a stay at home mum was so much fun but for me personally it was not without its struggles. In saying that we still have our struggles whether im at work or not, so i guess thats life. 

One thing i really notice since returning to work is the increase in my good moods and I honestly think its down to being out and about and chatting to different people. Not that i dont enjoy the chats I have with Miley and Kaelyn, but baby/toddler chat from 7am to 8pm is exghausting. Especially considering they tend to repeat themselves a million times. I found when John came home from work I dreaded the "what did you get up to today" question. It was getting to the stage that everyday my response was the same. Now dont get me wrong, I love chatting about my kids and the crazy things they get up to. But I was loosing my life in my kids life. Nothing wrong with that, I know and I hope Im not classed as a bad Mother because i needed to find a little piece of myself again.  I read a quote recently and it is so simple and effective to this topic. It is,

"Never Be To Busy Being Mummy and Daddy, That You Forget To Be Husband And Wife." 

I now have plenty going on in my day to day life, that I no longer fear being asked what i got up to. Days are an awful lot busier but i find we are in a better routine with having places to be and things to do. Thankfully I don't feel that the girls are anyway affected by my return to work. 

Now my own mental health has certainly taking a few to many beatings over the last few months and  I wish I knew the reason for it. If my mental health journey was an actual roadtrip journey, I'd say at least 90% of the time I'd have my head stuck in a map at the side of the road while selotaping my sat-nav back together. I just felt lost. My mind was lost. Things have definitly improved, some days are good and some are bad. I guess thats what having depression is like though, you wake up in the morning and you literally dont know what your mind has in store for you.

I have always remained positive that some day i will beat depression and no longer rely on medication. However lately I fear that I will live with this forever and surprisinly it doesnt scare me half as much as it should. If I remain positive the good days will take over the bad and when the bad days appear I will learn that good shall follow. Depression has not destroyed my life and It never will. If depression stays with me forever thats fine, im not afraid! If I get rid of depression entirely, that's fine too I for sure wont be missing it.

Im not going to make a promise that i have more regular posts up but i really do intend on setting time aside to have one up weekly for you all. Keep your wonderful messages coming as I love reading them all and helping you in anyway I can. 

Stay safe, stay healthy and look after your sunshine.

xO Leonie

Just a wee note...

Hello, I really hope your doing ok. 

This is just a wee short note.. Now one thing I always have said is if anyone who has any dealing with me needs patience, I don't always open up and tell the truth and some days I literally don't feel like speaking. More times than enough it comes across as being rude and well it probably is. I'm sorry but that's me. As my reader you also have to have patience because somedays I just can't find the words. They may be in my head but like a lot of things its not easy to get them out. I still struggle to get a blog post published when my mood is low and I also struggle when I'm in fantastic form. It confuses me no end but sure ain't that life!! I am sorry for the lack of posts of late but life has been busy, with plenty of struggles along the way and I hope to get you all up to date soon. Thank you all for your patience and continued support. 

Stay safe, stay healthy and look after your sunshine..

You Cant Handle The Truth

Hello, I really hope your doing well. 

I'll be honest its been a rough few weeks. I'm not entirely sure why exactly, but life is just not a walk in the park recently and I've been dealing with more downs than ups. That's life though and it sucks! What can we do about it? Keep fighting, keep looking ahead and pray the good days are worth the battle. Well I've been thinking lately about how honest I be when asked the dreaded question that is....

How are you feeling?  

Oh I'm doing great. I'm Good, just a little tired. etc. etc. are all common answers for me. I may tell a few fibs when this question arises and I don't for one second believe I'm alone in this. In saying this I can guarantee I'm going to keep on fibbing. My reason for this is because in all fairness only a select few could handle your answer and the rest will be in a state of shock for the foreseeable future. So personally I do believe a wee fib here and there is acceptable. 

So I'll try be honest on how I am feeling.

I suffer from really bad headaches. I find stress and tiredness a trigger. Even when I'm not feeling upset or emotional, I regularly feel like I've a lump in my throat like I'm about to breakdown and cry. Trust me I'm 99% not going to but the wee feeling is there. I've an ache in my chest as if I'm heartbroken for something. I'm fairly sure I'm not heartbroken well maybe a little for the really happy Leonie. My body, my legs/feet are just heavy, were going through the motions but were tired. I feel like I carry such a weight on my shoulders with me all the time and I've no reason to. 

Emotionally I've definitely been better, I feel:

Agitated - I never know when something might trigger a low moment
Hopeless - Why have I not beat this yet?
Guilty - My kids deserve a happy mummy every day.
Afraid - Depression is scary.
Empty - Sometimes there is no feelings 
Vulnerable - We all need a few cuddles 

I could write a list so long but I know yous get the idea. Luckily I don't feel this way everyday but when I'm in a low mood this is my life. Its crap and I hate it. Depression your a pain in the butt!!

Describing how you feel when suffering from a mental health issue is incredibly difficult and is no easy task. I've explained it lots of times and each time is still a struggle. I could chat all day to a specialist or someone with similar health issues and that's mainly because that person knows exactly how your feeling. There's a common ground between the two people. What is hard, is when the person you have to talk to doesn't understand mental health and how you can feel so low when life is pretty perfect. In my own experience I see how hard this is. I'm 100% embarrassed of the opinions I had of mental health issues before I was diagnosed. I now hear stories of peoples struggles and misfortunes I stop and think. Instead of throwing in my opinion to the conversation, I imagine how the person must of been feeling and that's important. 

We need to be more aware of peoples feelings, asking someone how they are feeling and meaning it is so important. Just be prepared incase they tell you the whole truth and nothing but the truth. If they tell you they're fine, they might be telling the truth and if you suspect its a lie just be there for them. Its the best you can do.

Right now after getting all that off my chest I feel a little better. thank you for reading as always.

Stay safe, stay healthy and look after your sunshine,
xO Leonie

Wakey Wakey Sleepy Head!!

Hi everyone, i hope your well.

You're all probably thinking I have abandoned you's but I just needed a wee bit of time out. I wish I had some amazing stories for you's of what I've been up to but unfortunately I don't, life has been pretty normal and quiet, well as quiet as it can be with a baby and a toddler. My oldest girl Miley is due home from her holidays tomorrow, she's been away with her daddy and family for a week now. I'm so excited for her coming home and have her crazy humour in the house again. My baby Kaelyn is turning into a proper we madam and a absolute handful. My girlies keep me on my toes, that's for sure and I'm so glad that they do. 

Recently I've been unbelievably tired and have no desire to do anything other than the day-to-day tasks to keep on top of things. Maybe I'm just becoming really lazy (I mean lazier than i normally am) but I actually said "If it wasn't for the girls, I wouldn't get out of bed in the mornings." now that scared the bejeepers outta me. I mean seriously have i lost all interest in stuff that I would rather stay in bed. This past week with Moo (Miley) being away, I look forward to Kooks (Kaelyn) going for her daytime nap so i can take a sneaky one too and i be moody if it turns out to be a short snooze. Its a disgrace NO I'm a disgrace, I should be enjoying every second with my kids instead of counting the hours down to bedtime. 

So the main reason I have decided to tell you all my latest downfall is quite frankly to publicly shame myself into making a change. I do not want my kids to look back in a few years and say "oh Mammy was always too tired to play games with us" or "Mammy never bothered about what we were interested in", I want to be the fun Mammy I used to be even though right now that sounds exhausting. The one good thing in this situation is that I haven't been this way too long so I'm hoping to snap out of it asap. With Moo at an age were she remembers every single thing and Kooks not to far behind I need to make this change. I want my girls to look back at their childhood with amazing happy memories. 

I plan to go to bed very soon and enjoy a good sleep but tomorrow I'm determined to start fresh get my iron levels up to normal, because I'm always low. I want to do this but more importantly I need to. 

Stay safe, stay healthy and look after your sunshine,
xO Leonie