Making Changes

Hello everyone, I'm sorry I've been quiet on the blog recently, I have had plenty that I want to say and write about so I've honestly no excuse. This post is mainly a wee catch up, to let you's all know what I've been up to and where I am on my mental health journey. As always Thank you for being so patient with me.

Life has definitly been busy as of late and all for a good reason. I made the decision several weeks ago to return to work after nearly two years being a full time mummy. So the plan was to get a wee part time job to get me out of a rut, as i was falling into too many bad habbits and dare i say it getting a tad lazy. So routine was my main goal and I've ended up with a jammed packed routine. Along with my blog and my most important Mammy duties, i have ended up with not one but two part-time jobs. I can honestly say Im loving being back working as I feel it gives me a far better balance. Being a stay at home mum was so much fun but for me personally it was not without its struggles. In saying that we still have our struggles whether im at work or not, so i guess thats life. 

One thing i really notice since returning to work is the increase in my good moods and I honestly think its down to being out and about and chatting to different people. Not that i dont enjoy the chats I have with Miley and Kaelyn, but baby/toddler chat from 7am to 8pm is exghausting. Especially considering they tend to repeat themselves a million times. I found when John came home from work I dreaded the "what did you get up to today" question. It was getting to the stage that everyday my response was the same. Now dont get me wrong, I love chatting about my kids and the crazy things they get up to. But I was loosing my life in my kids life. Nothing wrong with that, I know and I hope Im not classed as a bad Mother because i needed to find a little piece of myself again.  I read a quote recently and it is so simple and effective to this topic. It is,

"Never Be To Busy Being Mummy and Daddy, That You Forget To Be Husband And Wife." 

I now have plenty going on in my day to day life, that I no longer fear being asked what i got up to. Days are an awful lot busier but i find we are in a better routine with having places to be and things to do. Thankfully I don't feel that the girls are anyway affected by my return to work. 

Now my own mental health has certainly taking a few to many beatings over the last few months and  I wish I knew the reason for it. If my mental health journey was an actual roadtrip journey, I'd say at least 90% of the time I'd have my head stuck in a map at the side of the road while selotaping my sat-nav back together. I just felt lost. My mind was lost. Things have definitly improved, some days are good and some are bad. I guess thats what having depression is like though, you wake up in the morning and you literally dont know what your mind has in store for you.

I have always remained positive that some day i will beat depression and no longer rely on medication. However lately I fear that I will live with this forever and surprisinly it doesnt scare me half as much as it should. If I remain positive the good days will take over the bad and when the bad days appear I will learn that good shall follow. Depression has not destroyed my life and It never will. If depression stays with me forever thats fine, im not afraid! If I get rid of depression entirely, that's fine too I for sure wont be missing it.

Im not going to make a promise that i have more regular posts up but i really do intend on setting time aside to have one up weekly for you all. Keep your wonderful messages coming as I love reading them all and helping you in anyway I can. 

Stay safe, stay healthy and look after your sunshine.

xO Leonie

Just a wee note...

Hello, I really hope your doing ok. 

This is just a wee short note.. Now one thing I always have said is if anyone who has any dealing with me needs patience, I don't always open up and tell the truth and some days I literally don't feel like speaking. More times than enough it comes across as being rude and well it probably is. I'm sorry but that's me. As my reader you also have to have patience because somedays I just can't find the words. They may be in my head but like a lot of things its not easy to get them out. I still struggle to get a blog post published when my mood is low and I also struggle when I'm in fantastic form. It confuses me no end but sure ain't that life!! I am sorry for the lack of posts of late but life has been busy, with plenty of struggles along the way and I hope to get you all up to date soon. Thank you all for your patience and continued support. 

Stay safe, stay healthy and look after your sunshine..

You Cant Handle The Truth

Hello, I really hope your doing well. 

I'll be honest its been a rough few weeks. I'm not entirely sure why exactly, but life is just not a walk in the park recently and I've been dealing with more downs than ups. That's life though and it sucks! What can we do about it? Keep fighting, keep looking ahead and pray the good days are worth the battle. Well I've been thinking lately about how honest I be when asked the dreaded question that is....

How are you feeling?  

Oh I'm doing great. I'm Good, just a little tired. etc. etc. are all common answers for me. I may tell a few fibs when this question arises and I don't for one second believe I'm alone in this. In saying this I can guarantee I'm going to keep on fibbing. My reason for this is because in all fairness only a select few could handle your answer and the rest will be in a state of shock for the foreseeable future. So personally I do believe a wee fib here and there is acceptable. 

So I'll try be honest on how I am feeling.

I suffer from really bad headaches. I find stress and tiredness a trigger. Even when I'm not feeling upset or emotional, I regularly feel like I've a lump in my throat like I'm about to breakdown and cry. Trust me I'm 99% not going to but the wee feeling is there. I've an ache in my chest as if I'm heartbroken for something. I'm fairly sure I'm not heartbroken well maybe a little for the really happy Leonie. My body, my legs/feet are just heavy, were going through the motions but were tired. I feel like I carry such a weight on my shoulders with me all the time and I've no reason to. 

Emotionally I've definitely been better, I feel:

Agitated - I never know when something might trigger a low moment
Hopeless - Why have I not beat this yet?
Guilty - My kids deserve a happy mummy every day.
Afraid - Depression is scary.
Empty - Sometimes there is no feelings 
Vulnerable - We all need a few cuddles 

I could write a list so long but I know yous get the idea. Luckily I don't feel this way everyday but when I'm in a low mood this is my life. Its crap and I hate it. Depression your a pain in the butt!!

Describing how you feel when suffering from a mental health issue is incredibly difficult and is no easy task. I've explained it lots of times and each time is still a struggle. I could chat all day to a specialist or someone with similar health issues and that's mainly because that person knows exactly how your feeling. There's a common ground between the two people. What is hard, is when the person you have to talk to doesn't understand mental health and how you can feel so low when life is pretty perfect. In my own experience I see how hard this is. I'm 100% embarrassed of the opinions I had of mental health issues before I was diagnosed. I now hear stories of peoples struggles and misfortunes I stop and think. Instead of throwing in my opinion to the conversation, I imagine how the person must of been feeling and that's important. 

We need to be more aware of peoples feelings, asking someone how they are feeling and meaning it is so important. Just be prepared incase they tell you the whole truth and nothing but the truth. If they tell you they're fine, they might be telling the truth and if you suspect its a lie just be there for them. Its the best you can do.

Right now after getting all that off my chest I feel a little better. thank you for reading as always.

Stay safe, stay healthy and look after your sunshine,
xO Leonie

Wakey Wakey Sleepy Head!!

Hi everyone, i hope your well.

You're all probably thinking I have abandoned you's but I just needed a wee bit of time out. I wish I had some amazing stories for you's of what I've been up to but unfortunately I don't, life has been pretty normal and quiet, well as quiet as it can be with a baby and a toddler. My oldest girl Miley is due home from her holidays tomorrow, she's been away with her daddy and family for a week now. I'm so excited for her coming home and have her crazy humour in the house again. My baby Kaelyn is turning into a proper we madam and a absolute handful. My girlies keep me on my toes, that's for sure and I'm so glad that they do. 

Recently I've been unbelievably tired and have no desire to do anything other than the day-to-day tasks to keep on top of things. Maybe I'm just becoming really lazy (I mean lazier than i normally am) but I actually said "If it wasn't for the girls, I wouldn't get out of bed in the mornings." now that scared the bejeepers outta me. I mean seriously have i lost all interest in stuff that I would rather stay in bed. This past week with Moo (Miley) being away, I look forward to Kooks (Kaelyn) going for her daytime nap so i can take a sneaky one too and i be moody if it turns out to be a short snooze. Its a disgrace NO I'm a disgrace, I should be enjoying every second with my kids instead of counting the hours down to bedtime. 

So the main reason I have decided to tell you all my latest downfall is quite frankly to publicly shame myself into making a change. I do not want my kids to look back in a few years and say "oh Mammy was always too tired to play games with us" or "Mammy never bothered about what we were interested in", I want to be the fun Mammy I used to be even though right now that sounds exhausting. The one good thing in this situation is that I haven't been this way too long so I'm hoping to snap out of it asap. With Moo at an age were she remembers every single thing and Kooks not to far behind I need to make this change. I want my girls to look back at their childhood with amazing happy memories. 

I plan to go to bed very soon and enjoy a good sleep but tomorrow I'm determined to start fresh get my iron levels up to normal, because I'm always low. I want to do this but more importantly I need to. 

Stay safe, stay healthy and look after your sunshine,
xO Leonie 

Don't you speak to me like that!!

Hello you guys, how use all doing?

Now lately I've been thinking about the way I think of myself! Haha that doesn't sound right, does it? Well anyways what I mean is if the thoughts I had about myself were said to me by someone else, boy would I dislike them and possibly want to high 5 their face. So I was sitting one day and thought how dare I speak to myself the way I do, sounds completely crazy (excuse thee pun) and maybe it is. But honestly I can't see me being constantly negative about myself gonna help matters one bit. Now throughout this post it may seem like I talk to myself a lot but I swear it's all done silently in my head so just don't calling my doctors yet! 

Self image

If I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror you'd most likely hear, "look at the state of you" "loose a bit of weight" "your a mess" and well in fairness most of these days my hair probably didn't meet the hairbrush and I put on the first thing I found in the wardrobe. But imagine someone you know saying them things to you! Would you accept it? Absolutely not!! So why on earth do we tolerate constant put downs from ourselves. I know I need a good kick up the arse from myself  (giggling picturing this! Might try it later when finished) 

Parenting

Is anyone the perfect parent? What does that even mean? I know I look at other mums and wonder how on earth you doing all that. See these mums who seem to have constant playtime and still manage to run a house. Hats of to you! I envy you a lot. But in reality I hope that my kids will say I was a great parent despite the amount of time we will disagree and have a wee fight. This in an example of a wee argument between me and my 3 year old recently. Miley asked for a drink so I went to the fridge and got her a purple one but she wanted a green one. Seems easy to fix but nope I only had purple. So after a lot of discussion on how it was the purple drink or water. My lovely little innocent 3 year old stamped her foot, told me she didn't want me anymore, then stormed down the hall and slammed yes slammed the door shut! My first thought was dear lord help me when she is a teenager, my second was that was some door slam for her age and then it hit me. The words "I don't want you anymore", I felt like shite the nasty thoughts came in fast "bad mother" "you should of done this" "you should of done that". I sat down put my head in my hands and wondered how could a question, can I have a drink end in this? Well basically I made myself think awful things for no reason because less than ten minutes after the fight, up she came with some pretend tea and cake for me. I asked her "are we friends now?" Her reply, "of course we are, your silly mammy" while she went and grabbed the purple drink and drank it. So there you have it, I'm silly but I need to get my act together before she's a teenager. There's going to be fight but hopefully in the end tea and cake will fix it all again. 

We need to stop putting ourselves down, I can bet the way you feel about yourself is not how someone else sees you. Let's stop beating ourselves up because of a few flaws or because we don't do things by the book and someone may judge. No matter what you do people are always gonna judge, especially yourself, so let's start being kind and let's start with ourselves. 

Stay safe, stay healthy and look after your sunshine,

xO Leonie 

If your happy & you know it!

Hello, how are you? I hope your well. 
I'm starting to become a bit of a disaster at posting lately. It's been a busy few weeks and sleep is much needed. But how fantastic is the weather lately I just love it. Hopefully it stays for a while because a bit of sunshine makes us all happy. So I'll be honest I haven't really been having a good day/week/month etc. I can't really explain it but there's more bad days than good lately. Really though its only an odd time it's the whole day that's bad. If any of you are like me it's mainly a bad few hours here and there in a day. 

I don't know if it's a good thing or not but I can now notice some of the things that lead to me going into a really low mood and struggling to cope. Sometimes it's good because ideally I can remove myself from the situation but a lot of the time it's not possible so I've to battle on. Now I know some of the things that cause me to go on a downward spiral are fine for you and you may not relate to them. We are all different so feel free to message with your own triggers and I can post them for others to feel a little normal and know that their not alone. So here goes remember no judging.

Stress and stressful situations

Is there anyone who doesn't get stressed? I stress over practically everything, many things that haven't even happened and may never happen. I can't help it but I'm trying my hardest. In a day to day basis I can clearly see the times that become stressful for me. They include mornings not every morning but if we're rushing to be somewhere you can guarantee that things ain't going to plan. Cereal and toast will no doubt be stamped into the ground and so many times the second we are all set to jump in the car a nappy is needed changed. My girls hate car journeys of any distance and unless I'm fully prepared with a few juice bottles and a handful of toys to occupy them when tempers strike I will most definitely loose the battle. If you ever meet me along the road you may join in and sing along to "if your happy and you know it". You'd be amazed at the new lyrics you can make up. Now a big stress trigger for me is when I'm preparing dinner. This may seem strange but in my house this is when the girls seem to want me most. They're tired after a busy day and just want to wind down with cuddles but they end up getting cranky with each other which leads to plenty of fights. So there's been plenty of ruined dinners. Some burnt and some still uncooked due to forgetting to switch on the oven. I bet a few of you have this one and that's stressing over the state of your house. I can tell you all now if you visit me my house won't be spotless but it will be clean. Someone said to me lately "why waste time worrying about cleaning, when you could be making memories with the kiddies". It's so true, today I should of been washing the floors but instead me and Kaelyn spent an hour giggling in the sunshine. But that's just a few of my day to day stress triggers and with a bit of better planning I could easily have a few stress free days.  

Negativity and negative people

Well this one is tricky, maybe I deserve some of the negative comments because I'm putting myself out there to be judged by doing this blog but is there any need really. I've never claimed to be a professional writer, so I'm well aware that a post from me comes with plenty of grammar mistakes and you can have them as a wee treat. Now I've 100% never claimed to have any background in mental health, honestly I've no idea I write about what I'm going through and what I'm learning along the way. I'm not okay and I struggle just the same as some of you guys. If we all stand together and help one another instead of judging, I really think more people will feel able to speak out about their own issues. 

Comparing yourself to others

I think a lot of people are guilty of this and where does it lead us? No good, that's where. I see the 
mum in the supermarket with two or three kids in tow and envy her. How does she do it? I can't manage a shopping trip with both my girls I gotta take one at a time or sometimes none. I find it far too stressful, does that make me a bad parent I bloody hope not. If there's one thing I've learned and everyone needs to know this, is that even if you think you know someone that person is only showing you what they want you to see. We are so silly we compare the worst part of ourselves to the best part of others. It's all pointless it leaves us feeling insecure and inadequate and it's time to stop. Only compare yourself to you! 

So really that's just a few of my triggers and there all so silly and easily fixed. Message on your own low mood triggers and i will post them up so everyone can relate and not feel alone. So come on everyone "if your happy and you know it........" 

Stay safe, stay healthy and look after your sunshine.
xO Leonie 

Banish them bad thoughts!!

Hello, I hope your well.

Firstly I got to say I'm so sorry for the lack of blog posts lately, I have no excuse really. I've been quite busy but each night I plan to sit down and blog I end up falling asleep. Disaster!! One of the side effects of my medication is drowsy/tiredness but I don't blame that because I've always loved and really needed my sleep, otherwise I just be a huge grump. So tonight I've the girls in bed early and decided to get to work. I also have to mention the interview I did for The Derry Journal, now believe me I was so shocked that any newspaper wanted to hear about what I have to say because really all I know about mental health is what I'm going through and the help I've received so far. Thank god the response from the interview was fantastic and I was so overwhelmed by the lovely things everyone has said about it. You guys ain't a bad bunch x. 

So I want to talk about negativity, don't we all hate it but still we all put up with it day to day. Negativity is everywhere and I bet you don't even realise it most of the time. I deal with plenty of negativity and sometimes I can manage it and rise above it but there's lots of times when it beats me and leaves me exhausted. I really want to mention more of the effects negative thoughts have on us. I mentioned in the interview for the journal how there's a very fine line in how you deal with what your thinking and it really is so true. It's only lately that I can see some sunshine thru the clouds that I'm able to reflect on thoughts I once had, so let me explain more on a few I've dealt with.

I remember this day so well I was stressed and had been in a low mood for a while and of course I never let anyone know things where getting on top of me (silly billy) so that evening I was on my own heading for some groceries, I drove over a bridge and all I could think of was "why don't you just drive off this, nobody will care". Now them few words had two choices of what kind of effect they had on my life and this is where the fine line comes in. I could have of said yes your right nobody will care, everyone will be better of if I wasn't here. If I thought like that more and more negative thoughts similar to that one would reappear in my life so much that eventually there would only be one way to keep them quiet and believe me the negative thoughts are the loudest. Thankfully my way of thinking that time when the darkest of thoughts entered my head is this. That evening within a minute of having that thought I said to myself "that was the most stupidest thought ever, why would you even think that" followed by many swear words and feeling like crap over a single thought. Unfortunately we all get bad thoughts but we got to try kick their arse with positivity. Now positive thinking is not easy and hats of to the people who have it perfected, I'm trying to do it more but it's so difficult at times and there's only so much tongue biting you can do. 

A few positive thoughts could save your life or hey say a few positive affirmations out loud and you never know you may save someone else's. It's a scary world we live in and we don't know each others life story or struggles no matter how well you think you know someone, it's impossible to know everything. Mental Heath affects so many people, all from different backgrounds, all different ages and many celebrities who you think have the perfect life struggle each day. Nobody wakes up in the morning and chooses to have a mental health problem but we can all choose recovery. So come on, let's get on the positive road to recovery. Who's coming? 

Now at the start of writing this I had the girls in bed but Miley decided she didn't want to sleep and asked me to write that she's enjoying eating mushmellows (marshmallows) and being a bogger (blogger) like mammy. 

Stay safe, stay healthy and look after your sunshine.
xO Leonie 

Are you okay?

Hello you, I hope your keeping well.

So statistically every one in four people suffer from a mental health issue, to me this is frightening numbers and raises the question how well do we really know the people were close to? I know what you're probably thinking, that you would know for definite if your loved one was suffering. Honestly I don't think it's possible, not for everyone anyway. From being there myself I know that it's not easy but it is possible to hide how your feeling and keep it to yourself. I'm so thankful I spoke out about how I really felt, instead of letting it eat away at me now if I'm having a bad day you will be able to tell. I just be a massive grumpy pants which my family will try to tell you it's every day but they are all compulsive liars. 😂 (I joke) 

When I posted my first blog post admitting I suffer from depression some of the things I hear the most and still to this day are "Really you, but sure your always smiling" or "You don't look depressed". So what does a depressed person look like, walk down a busy street and I bet you couldn't pick a person suffering from mental health from someone who doesn't. I know for sure that I couldn't. I feel we all need to be more concerned with the here and now and please take a proper look at your family, your friends, your work colleagues but especially yourself.  It's so easy to hide from certain people and especially if your surrounded by people who have negative thoughts about mental health, I know I wouldn't want to open up to them. But honestly there is so much help available and plenty of people to talk to that if your family aren't supportive don't give up and keep it all to yourself because that won't help it will make you suffer more. 

 

Unfortunately so many people struggle to admit their feeling and sufferings that more times than enough it's too late for help. If you think someone is hiding a mental health issue, let them know your there. If your busy and someone wants to talk, sit and talk. Day to day things can wait. Having the chance to save someone's life by just being there for them, or noticing they need help that can't wait. Last year nearly 600 people in ireland took their own lives, now I'm sure they are not all related to mental health but I will guess that a large number are. It's scary and it's sad but hopefully we can all take a look at our own circles, help each other and pray that it's not too late. 

It won't be easy and it takes many attempts to find the help that works best for you, but it is possible and please don't give up. It's okay not to be okay.


Stay safe, stay healthy and look after your sunshine.

xO Leonie 

Fitness: one step at a time

Hello again, I hope your well. 

Now if any of you have researched natural ways to beat depression online the main thing you will see again and again is diet and exercise. It worked for me in the past but I hate diets I mean really really hate them. Yes I no clean eating is the best to make you feel better and drop extra weight if needed. But seriously veg or fruit has never made me smile the way a bar of chocolate does. Well that's kind of a lie strawberries or pineapple covered in chocolate straight from the fridge is pretty amazing though I don't think it counts. As for exercise well as soon as I loose the amount I want to I stop and then it's back to square one again. So I'm jumping on the bandwagon again after seeing numbers on the scales I've personally never seen before. 

Now some days my diet is great and other days it's shocking. Like this morning I had good intentions to be healthy started of with my green tea and that was it finished! I had a purple snack bar to go with it but I felt a bit guilty so me and Kaelyn got ready and headed for a walk. It was either that or wash the windows and ain't nobody got time for that. Now I'm very lucky where I live has a great walking route just one downside it had a very steep hill known as the spink in the middle of it. So feeling confident after my 5k with the girls from Mia's funfitness last night I decided to hit the hill straight on. Well I woulda needed 'Maria the motivator' there with me because Kaelyn she fell asleep straight away so was zero help. I pray no farmer was in the fields surrounding the spink this morning because u may of thought a brawl was going on but nope, all the "Feck yous" or "I'm gonna beat you ya wee b*#@h" and my favourite hit the spink get rid of spanks were all for that hill. 

As soon as I made it to the top, the view is amazing and is totally worth it. It just personally made me realise that at the end of that struggle I got a stunning view. So hopefully after every struggle the result is just as good. I coulda went the opposite way and started with the beautiful view and ended in the doom and gloom of trees but I preferred it my way. 

So I'm very early on in my wee fitness journey and really writing it on here I'm hoping it means if I quit (again) I'll be totally embarrassed because I've let everyone know. This all started 2 nights ago when I mentioned in a Mia's fun fitness post how I would love to do the Darkness into light run NEXT YEAR. To give me plenty of time to build up my fitness level. But well that didn't happen we are now planning to do it in under 3 weeks. Madness absolute madness but I think and hope I will manage it. So last night I got back on the horse along with the girls and they are all great motivators. I managed a 5k with Maria by my side. I did have to walk every now and then but still finished it without my legs snapping like I tried to tell her they were gonna. It's such a laugh and I encourage anyone who is looking to start running to check out Maria's running group it's called fun fitness for a reason because the laughs are plentiful. 

My diet well I hope to get it sorted in time but for now I'm just not willing to give up my chocolate. Honestly Ireland needs the money I spend on it each week. Oh I know I'm only fooling myself, bla de bla.. But let's take this one step at a time and hope the view at the end is good. 

Stay safe, stay healthy and look after your sunshine.

xO Leonie 

Something short & sweet x

Hello everyone, I hope you are all well. Today's post is very short and sweet but basically something you should all know and tell yourself daily. It may even help to read it when your feeling low. Hopefully it helps. 

Stay safe, stay healthy and look after your sunshine! 

xO Leonie

 I would just like you to know that you are

Important

Not alone

Worthy of love

Strong

Capable

Appreciated more than you know

Going to get better

And more than ENOUGH

please don't ever forget! 

Round Two!! No judges allowed!

Hello everyone, I hope your well.

I'm so sorry for the huge delay in this post but Kaelyn hasn't been well so I've had no time to get it sorted, please forgive me. 😊 So I decided last week to split my experience into two posts because I feel the two times I've been diagnosed have been so different. The second time was so severe, all my bad thoughts and low moods from after having Miley multiplied by thousands. I feel I have to say not once during this time did I ever loose the love and bond I have with my children. I know a lot of people who have never experienced depression find this hard to understand, but it's true. I didn't choose to have depression but I've a choice to let it win or not. Each days a struggle with good and bad days so please don't judge me on my bad days. 

So here we go, My pregnancy with Kaelyn was fairly normal with no major issues. I really struggled with the tiredness that comes with being pregnant. With Miley being a busy baby it was hard to catch up on sleep, unlike my pregnancy with her I got to sleep loads. At the time I put all the emotions down to hormones but looking back I can see that it was much more. John was working away and was only home every 2-3 weeks and I struggled a lot. I found this all very stressful. Oh yeah we set a wedding date for six months after the due date, which probably didn't help matters. 

Kaelyn was born on the 14th of June she was healthy and just perfect. Everything was going good I even thought the old 5 day baby blues missed me but how wrong was I. They arrived and they stayed but I refused to tell anyone that I was struggling. Even tho it was so soon after the birth I knew I had PND. Inside my head was just black. On the outside I had a perfect life with a new baby. But on the inside all I could think about was that, my wee family would manage better without me. I made myself think that I was a minor figure in my own kids life. Somehow I hid it from everyone close to me, putting my mood down to tiredness. 

Well that was until I snapped, and oh boy did I. It was about three weeks after Kaelyn was born. I was exhausted from letting everything build up inside me. We were at a family wedding and i remember sitting in the chapel, not taking anything in at all and just holding in the tears because I knew I was ready to break. After the mass I isolated myself into a room alone with the girls. Miley was throwing tantrums over so many strangers about and Kaelyn, well she went and pooped all over her white dress. After a bit Miley's daddy came to collect her and we had dropped Kaelyn of with my sister. It was just John and I in the car and the tears started and wouldn't stop. I told him every single feeling and thought I was having. By the time we reached the hotel the only worry I had was that my makeup was a mess. John reassured me all would be fine and we would get the help needed. The rest of the day was fantastic, I was able to enjoy myself because I knew i wasn't battling alone anymore.

I went to my doctor, a different one from before and told her everything. The difference this time, I wasn't just given a prescription for medication and left to it. I got reassured that if I wanted the help it's there for me. I had a nurse visit me several times at home for wee chats, fortnightly appointments with my doctor until we got the medication perfect to suit me and had meetings with a counsellor. Having the right doctor is so important. Recently I was invited to join a personal development course for seven weeks. When I first got it I was like nope no way, but I went and I love it. I've met some fantastic people and actually look forward to it every week. 

It is so important to make sure people your close to especially your doctor know exactly how you feel. If you hide it or don't be honest on your progress, the only person your damaging is yourself. 
I learnt this the hard way, it's not worth it. So please be honest and don't stop until you get the perfect help and treatment because you deserve it. I know I've a long way to go but I believe I will get there and so will you. x 

Stay safe, stay healthy and look after your sunshine!

xO Leonie 

Round 1 - Ding! Ding!

Hello, I hope your well. ☺️ isn't the sunshine just amazing this past few days.

This week I'd thought I would give you all a better insight into my own personal experience with depression. This may be tricky to write as I still question, why me? When did this start? When will it go away?  But I will try my best, I'll start with my first trip to the doctors my oldest daughter Miley was about 4/5 months old and I was diagnosed with post-natal depression. Although I'm now able to look back as far as my teenage years and see that certain times, life just didn't seem right. I would hate to be a teenager again, it's such a difficult and confusing time and I absolutely dread when my girls are at that stage. Thankfully I've ages to prepare myself and them for that.

I still remember the day I put Miley into her pram and walked to the doctors. Even sitting in the waiting room I just thought the doctor would laugh at me and say the way I was feeling was exactly how any first time, single mum feels. So when I explained a few of my symptoms:

• Tearful 

•  Sleep problems - tired all the time 

•  Losing interest in people and activities  

• Feeling guilty - feeling worthless 

•  Lack of concentration and memory problems 

•  Lack of confidence 

•  Being hard on myself- constantly criticising myself 

•  Major anxiety 

•  Overthinking every single thought 

There is many more symptoms but these were a few I was struggling with, when the doctor confirmed that I wasn't okay and that I was suffering from PND I actually felt relieved because I knew I was able to get the help I needed. That day I was put on medication, which I was unbelievably embarrassed about. All I could think was how bad of a mother I must be to need a silly little tablet to get through each day. I had this amazing baby who changed my life for the better yet the second she fell asleep or was away with her dad for the day, I was a mess. (I've only one rule try to have no breakdowns in front of the kids) I hated being on the medication even though it helped me, I tried to do everything else the doctor recommended such as: healthy eating, exercise, socialising with friends and doing things I loved. I also moved to a home much closer to my family, personally I feel all of the above helped me a lot more than the medication at that time. I wasn't taken the medication properly at all I would take it for a while then stop it again. Eventually I felt well enough to stop it completely I had a fantastic daughter, all was going great with my new boyfriend (hubby now) and I had a wee job I loved going to. 

I have to say no two experiences with depression are the same, I always say that I got depression twice but whether it ever went away a few years ago or not I don't know. Personally if I had to pick, I would take the time I had it after Miley again and again. But I do recommend staying on your medication until your doctor says it's okay to come off it. The time I'm referring to in this article was not as severe as what a lot of people are currently going through. A few life changes helped me years ago, so I definitely recommend trying it to you all. But please don't feel like a failure if it doesn't work out because something else will. It hasn't worked for me this time but I'll get there in time and so will you. 

I've decided to split my experiences into two different articles because they are so different and also not the easiest to write. I will hopefully have my Kaelyn story up in the next few days. I'm still loving all your messages of your own stories it's amazing we all feel so alone in this but I can assure you, we are not. 


Stay safe, stay healthy and look after your sunshine!

xO Leonie

Beep! Beep! Destination Freedom!

Hello ☺️

I hope you're well? Now I know I've wrote it on my Facebook page but I gotta say it again, Thank you so much!! All of the kindness I have received this past week has been unbelievable. I love each and every message I have been sent. There is so many of you struggling, we can't let depression win, keep fighting it will get better. 

It was so not easy to post the last entry, thinking back on it is funny tho. I was texting my bestie Shauna in Australia, sent her on the link and she said yip I should post it (I think it's so she ain't gotta listen to me on her own now) so I did! Oh boy the feelings, I was shaking like a leaf and my belly was full of butterflies. I had to do the hoovering to calm myself down all the while thinking, what on earth have I just done? It didn't take me long to see that I did the right thing, a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I think after many attempts I may be on the right road. So, hurry and hop on I've hired a bus. Destination - Freedom, no depression allowed!!

One thing so many people have asked me since last week, is have I received much negativity towards the blog and thankfully I haven't yet! I know we all have our own opinions and we are never all going to agree but I hope I'm ready for it when it happens. Like I'm sure some of you have seen the Katie Hopkins tweets (rolls eyes) we're gonna come across negative nellies on our way but I'm not trying to please everyone. I'm just trying to make people aware that it's ok not to be ok. 

Now while the past week has been great, I've still had a plenty of low moments. It's really all the little things, it's so strange. You could tackle a situation the size of a mountain at ease then something as small as a speed bump comes along and BANG! Your like an emotional wreck wondering what the hell did you do to deserve the stupid curry sauce not to thicken properly. But that's just me, I can laugh about it now but at the time a toddler temper tantrum was about to be unleashed. 

One last we thing before I go and enjoy a cuppa, just because I named the blog Where Is My Sunshine by no means do I not have sunshine in my life. My girls and hubby are my whole world and make me smile each day with the silly things they do. But I want to be my own sunshine I just want to be happy for me and for them. Recently I'm learning about looking after number 1 and while that's always been the girls and John, they have to budge over cause I'm squeezing in too. 

Stay safe, stay healthy and look after your sunshine!

xO Leonie 

Looking for my sunshine x

Hello everyone

I hope your well? I may start with an introduction. My names Leonie, I have a loving husband, two beautiful daughters, a fantastic family and a great bunch of friends. Pretty perfect right? But I forgot to mention something I live with every day, Depression!

Yeah I said it and the wee rascal is always here, if it was a person I'd punch it in the face (or worse) but it's not so instead I'm trying to work with it best I can. I win some days and depression wins the rest.. But, I will win them all some day. 

If I'm honest I don't know what I'm hoping to gain from writing this, I just know when I write to my best friend a weight is lifted from me and if I gotta type it out to freedom, I will. I can't ever explain why I get sad, I have tried many times and mostly I just give up trying to explain, because mainly people don't get it unless they have some experience with it all you will hear is "oh shake it off" or "it's just a phase it'll pass" and "snap out of it". Well I have been in this 'phase' for a few years and it's still hanging on tight and I've been shaking it off and snapping away without any joy. 

 Basically what I'm trying to say is please be careful what you say to people if they open up to you, because after all that person felt they could confide in you. Only a handful of people know I live with depression and it has been great but has also backfired on me, I confided in someone only for them to them decide i wasn't suitable for friendship anymore. I'm still who I always was with just an extra piece of baggage. 

I'm no where near a professional writer or anyway trained in mental health topics, so not everyone will appreciate this post. But if my wee rant pages help at least one person to admit their struggles and seek the help they need then I'll be pleased. 

Stay safe, stay healthy and look after your sunshine!

xO Leonie