Thursday, 23 March 2017

I Am What I Am!!

Hi everyone, I hope you're all doing well. It's a bit shocking that this is my first post of 2017 and it bloody March!! 😮 My wee blog has been fairly quiet lately to say the least but I felt I had no words to say or share. I'm not even sure if I have any now. Sure we'll give it a go....

 Its not that I've not been writing away lately because I have, I Just haven't posted anything as things haven't been to great. That may be an understatement to say the least. I will go into more detail in this post but I've basically decided to trust the timing of my life. I can't take it personally or blame myself for the way my mind works. I think I've finally realised that I need to take each day as it comes and trust that things can get better. 

People look forward to a new year in the hope that things will improve and it will be the best year they have ever lived. On the 31st of December I was most definitely one of those people (Dec' 2016 was a bad month). I had my hopes and dreams for 2017 all ready to be achieved. Little did I know 10 days into a fresh start the photo below would be taken of me. Location: Letterkenny Psychiatric Unit

Now I know what your all thinking, "look at the state a them roots" shocking I know!! 🙈 I admitted myself to the unit for the simple reason I had an Emotional Nervous Breakdown, Am I embarrassed? absolutely not.

I knew I needed to get serious help, I was in such a bad way. I often look back at this picture for the simple reason that bar a scratch on my forehead and puffy skin, I'm still me and I still look the exact same. Mental Health conditions do not have a certain image, all of us suffer just some worse than others. The stigma is still as bad as ever. It was a variety of different things in my life that led me to hit rock bottom some very personal that I'd rather not mention so publicly. 

As I said earlier the end of 2016 was one of the worse times I've ever had. Everyday I put on a fake smile, pretended everything was fine and got on with things. Quite simply the one thing so many people do each day. It is the worse thing in the world you can do. That day in January it all started with an argument and I cried. The only difference to any other time was that I couldn't stop. I tried so hard but everything that had built up in me just needed to get out. The scary thing was I wanted to get out. I hated myself so much I didn't want to be in this world. Now I've felt that way before but never as strongly. I knew I needed help and fast. Which made me cry more and feel so ashamed that I was at what I thought was a last resort admitting myself to a psychiatric hospital. It was definitely one of the best thing I could do for myself.
I stayed in hospital for 5 days, I learnt a lot about myself and how to deal with my feelings. I was monitored closely and my medication was changed for the better. 

The image I had in my head, which I'm sure a lot of people have of a psychiatric unit was scary and i was judgemental of them. In a very strange way I actually felt at peace in there. Everything was out in the open and honest. All patients had similar issues so mental health talk was not spoken in a whisper, medication was not secretive and nobody judged the person beside them. 

Its been some time now I've been home and back to the day to day of my mad life with my girls. Are things perfect and all honky dory? Absolutely not! Will They Ever be? Possibly not, I just don't know. What I do know is that I am not ashamed that I suffer live with depression. I still have fun and I still laugh. I've made so many small changes to my life lately and I hope they are for the best. I'm not being selfish by making these changes, I'm simply just living.. Okay maybe I am being selfish, but its needed sometimes. 

So there ye have it, for someone who didn't have much to say I can fairly ramble on. All I can say to you all now is be selfish, put your own needs first every now and then. Ignore the negative nellys, who drain the life outta you. Just be you, if you need a wee tablet and a chat every now and then with a therapist so bloody what. Its your life, you are your own number 1 supporter. So Whoopee Go You! You Rock!! 😎 

As Always,
Stay Safe, Stay Healthy & Look After Your Sunshine.

xO Leonie

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