Hello everyone, I hope your well.
I'm so sorry for the huge delay in this post but Kaelyn hasn't been well so I've had no time to get it sorted, please forgive me. 😊 So I decided last week to split my experience into two posts because I feel the two times I've been diagnosed have been so different. The second time was so severe, all my bad thoughts and low moods from after having Miley multiplied by thousands. I feel I have to say not once during this time did I ever loose the love and bond I have with my children. I know a lot of people who have never experienced depression find this hard to understand, but it's true. I didn't choose to have depression but I've a choice to let it win or not. Each days a struggle with good and bad days so please don't judge me on my bad days.
So here we go, My pregnancy with Kaelyn was fairly normal with no major issues. I really struggled with the tiredness that comes with being pregnant. With Miley being a busy baby it was hard to catch up on sleep, unlike my pregnancy with her I got to sleep loads. At the time I put all the emotions down to hormones but looking back I can see that it was much more. John was working away and was only home every 2-3 weeks and I struggled a lot. I found this all very stressful. Oh yeah we set a wedding date for six months after the due date, which probably didn't help matters.
Kaelyn was born on the 14th of June she was healthy and just perfect. Everything was going good I even thought the old 5 day baby blues missed me but how wrong was I. They arrived and they stayed but I refused to tell anyone that I was struggling. Even tho it was so soon after the birth I knew I had PND. Inside my head was just black. On the outside I had a perfect life with a new baby. But on the inside all I could think about was that, my wee family would manage better without me. I made myself think that I was a minor figure in my own kids life. Somehow I hid it from everyone close to me, putting my mood down to tiredness.
Well that was until I snapped, and oh boy did I. It was about three weeks after Kaelyn was born. I was exhausted from letting everything build up inside me. We were at a family wedding and i remember sitting in the chapel, not taking anything in at all and just holding in the tears because I knew I was ready to break. After the mass I isolated myself into a room alone with the girls. Miley was throwing tantrums over so many strangers about and Kaelyn, well she went and pooped all over her white dress. After a bit Miley's daddy came to collect her and we had dropped Kaelyn of with my sister. It was just John and I in the car and the tears started and wouldn't stop. I told him every single feeling and thought I was having. By the time we reached the hotel the only worry I had was that my makeup was a mess. John reassured me all would be fine and we would get the help needed. The rest of the day was fantastic, I was able to enjoy myself because I knew i wasn't battling alone anymore.
I went to my doctor, a different one from before and told her everything. The difference this time, I wasn't just given a prescription for medication and left to it. I got reassured that if I wanted the help it's there for me. I had a nurse visit me several times at home for wee chats, fortnightly appointments with my doctor until we got the medication perfect to suit me and had meetings with a counsellor. Having the right doctor is so important. Recently I was invited to join a personal development course for seven weeks. When I first got it I was like nope no way, but I went and I love it. I've met some fantastic people and actually look forward to it every week.
It is so important to make sure people your close to especially your doctor know exactly how you feel. If you hide it or don't be honest on your progress, the only person your damaging is yourself.
I learnt this the hard way, it's not worth it. So please be honest and don't stop until you get the perfect help and treatment because you deserve it. I know I've a long way to go but I believe I will get there and so will you. x
Stay safe, stay healthy and look after your sunshine!
xO Leonie
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